About my testimony on Sunday

I’d like to take this opportunity to clear up a few issues about the testimony I stood and bore in Church on Sunday.

1. I now realize that taking 45 minutes was probably too much. The Bishop has counseled me on this, the 1st counselor has met with me, the Relief Society presidency has met with me, the Elder’s Quorum presidency has threatened something called a “blanket, sock, and battery party”, and the Primary President has threatened to put me in the nursery if I ever do anything like that again. You may stop the phone calls and angry e-mails now. There is no need to call my boss at work and ask him to deal with this. I’ll be sending all my phone calls to voice mail for the time being, so if you want to tell me something NOT related to my testimony on Sunday, please identify that first in your phone or e-mail message.

2. I will do my best to refrain from calling my ex-wife, her attorney, the judge, and the judicial system of Utah County to repentance. I now know that this isn’t really my job to do.

3. I’d also like to apologize to young Kirby Stanger. It was rude of me to trip him on the way to the pulpit, but I was a man with a mission, and I didn’t want to have any “I’m thankful for Mommy and Daddy” to get in the way of how I felt and the fact that the Spirit was telling me to get up there promptly. I would apologize to young Kirby in person, but with the restraining order his parents have filed, this forum will have to do. Kirby, I’m sorry, and I hope the stitches from where your head hit the edge of the pew don’t leave too unsightly of a scar.

4. If you all can’t bear one another’s burdens like it says to do in Alma, then you all got no business calling yourselves Saints. I’m just saying.

5. Super Bowl Sunday is still a painful holiday for me, since it *is* the anniversary of when my wife and best friend and eternal companion kicked me out of the house. I realize I covered this in depth during my testimony, but it’s still a serious thorn in my side and cross I have to bear. I still say it was my right as patriarch of the family and Priesthood holder in the home to change the name of my own baby girl as I saw fit.


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