Archive for February, 2010

Gospel Doctrine Class – The Abrahamic Covenant


I’d like to apologize for the controversy that erupted during Gospel Doctrine class today. For those who were sick among us and not able to attend, we pray that you’ll either be better or less offended next week, and that you’ll be up to joining us. I provide a recap of the lesson here.

Abraham took his son Issac to a distant mountain to sacrifice him. And an angel came down to stop him at the last second, presumably because Abraham had proven the point that he would do what the Lord told him to do. The first major eruption came when Sister Colby, our ward assistant canning specialist, asked the question “If Prozac or Zoloft had been available, do you think Abraham would have had such a prompting? By taking these medications, do we cut ourselves off from the kind of profound spiritual experiences and growth that Abraham had?”

Now, before we go any further, I’d like to state for the record that Brother Parks, even though he is a member of the bishopric, is a pharmacist and therefore may not have the most objective viewpoint when it comes to answering this sort of question. We all know how he feels about the subject, so I don’t need to rehash that out here. I will say that since he’s only in the Bishopric and the pharmacy manager at Costco, it doesn’t really follow that he can speak for the drug companies that want to continue to enslave us all. He has his masters. I stand by my statement that I’d hope Thomas S. Monson wouldn’t have to take any medication, and that if he does, it could (and I say COULD) mean that he’s being led astray. But, since the bishop told us to end this line of discussion after ten minutes, I’ll drop the matter here and allow any of you with a differing opinion to voice that in the comments.

The next line of discussion came when it was pointed out that the Jaredites left the Old World before the Abrahamic Covenant began. So, how could this group of people be taken to a chosen land if they weren’t even the chosen people? Quite a quandary, I tell you.

I don’t know how the discussion went from there to the seerstones that the Brother of Jared had created, and I don’t know where those seerstones are now. The speculation was raised as to whether it was possible that Elder Richard G. Scott, of the Quorum of the Twelve, knew anything about these seerstones and if there was any relation to him having worked for the U.S. Navy as a nuclear engineer and being a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, and if any of the nuclear fleet of ships and submarines proudly defending the United States of America were actually being powered by those seerstones that the Brother of Jared took to the mountaintop. Like I said in class, it’s just speculation, and while he probably wouldn’t teach that in General Conference (due to security issues), it’s probably a good topic of discussion for Family Home Evening.

Kind of makes you proud, though, thinking that the core of a nuclear submarine is actually a relic from the Jaredite civilization? Perhaps it’s time they commissioned a new sub called the U.S.S. Joseph Smith.

Again, my apologies to anyone who got their knickers in a twist and got offended at my comments. The guilty take the truth to be hard. Although causing Sister Johanson’s nosebleed was a bit out of line. We’ll be sure to keep her in our thoughts and prayers, and maybe the Priest’s Quorum should go back to taking the sacrament to the nursing home instead of bringing them to church with the rest of us. Just sayin’.


Elder’s Quorum – Our Chosen Leader


Yesterday, I was asked to teach Elder’s Quorum. I can’t say that it was a last minute assignment, since I was called out of Gospel Doctrine class and asked if I could teach. Constant preparation is key, people. Read the manual, download the podcast, and be up to date on what Brother (Glenn) Beck has to say during the week.

So, we were all in the pre-existence and made a choice to follow the plan to come to earth, gain a body, and be tempted. An alternate plan was presented, an evil, malicious, liberal plan. Lucifer, the Father of All Liberals, presented a plan whereby we would come to earth, gain a body, and get the Results of Success without really working for it. You see, there’s a big difference between Success and the Results of Success. When one is Successful, they can enjoy the Results and be happy about it. If one is simply given the Results of Success without having to put in the time, talent, education, and hard work, then those results have been obtained fraudulently. Fraud. As in Welfare Fraud. And this is why liberalism is such a pernicious evil – it’s letting people enjoy the Results of Success without work, just like Satan wanted to do. And just like Satan wanting all the glory for his greedy self, we have Obama and his Hope and Change, but no Work and Effort.

Of course, this sparked a lively discussion. But, I think I did a good job managing to bring everything back together, and we ended a mere 20 minutes past time to leave. The Primary children and Relief Society sisters need to learn that you just can’t rush the Priesthood. And, since my ex-wife and eternal companion had the fruits of my loins this weekend, I didn’t have to worry about either getting upset.

About my testimony on Sunday


I’d like to take this opportunity to clear up a few issues about the testimony I stood and bore in Church on Sunday.

1. I now realize that taking 45 minutes was probably too much. The Bishop has counseled me on this, the 1st counselor has met with me, the Relief Society presidency has met with me, the Elder’s Quorum presidency has threatened something called a “blanket, sock, and battery party”, and the Primary President has threatened to put me in the nursery if I ever do anything like that again. You may stop the phone calls and angry e-mails now. There is no need to call my boss at work and ask him to deal with this. I’ll be sending all my phone calls to voice mail for the time being, so if you want to tell me something NOT related to my testimony on Sunday, please identify that first in your phone or e-mail message.

2. I will do my best to refrain from calling my ex-wife, her attorney, the judge, and the judicial system of Utah County to repentance. I now know that this isn’t really my job to do.

3. I’d also like to apologize to young Kirby Stanger. It was rude of me to trip him on the way to the pulpit, but I was a man with a mission, and I didn’t want to have any “I’m thankful for Mommy and Daddy” to get in the way of how I felt and the fact that the Spirit was telling me to get up there promptly. I would apologize to young Kirby in person, but with the restraining order his parents have filed, this forum will have to do. Kirby, I’m sorry, and I hope the stitches from where your head hit the edge of the pew don’t leave too unsightly of a scar.

4. If you all can’t bear one another’s burdens like it says to do in Alma, then you all got no business calling yourselves Saints. I’m just saying.

5. Super Bowl Sunday is still a painful holiday for me, since it *is* the anniversary of when my wife and best friend and eternal companion kicked me out of the house. I realize I covered this in depth during my testimony, but it’s still a serious thorn in my side and cross I have to bear. I still say it was my right as patriarch of the family and Priesthood holder in the home to change the name of my own baby girl as I saw fit.