Teaching the Four Year Olds

On Sunday morning, I got a call from Sister Elmo to ask if I could take over her CTR-4 class. Not a problem. It’s not ever a problem. I asked her what the lesson was supposed to be on, and she offered to drop the manual off at my house, but that I’d need to use plenty of Purell after I handled it, so I told her I’d be fine without it.

Sister Elmo (bless her bacteria-infested soul) let me know that the little heavenions were going to be learning about The War in Heaven. I first thought that I should just show that Emmy-award winning episode of South Park, but I got in a lot of trouble the last time I did that.

The War in Heaven didn’t include any guns, tanks, mortars, grenades, or Elven Archers. Doesn’t sound like much of a war now, does it? No, this was a war without any casualties, unless you count those poor souls who suffered eternal spiritual death. Lucifer wanted to make everybody follow the rules. Who else wants to make everybody follow the rules, all the time? No, not BYU. They want to make everybody want to follow the rules. Obama wants to make everybody follow the rules. If you don’t buy his health care insurance, you go to jail.

One of the kids spoke up and tried to tell me that her parents voted for Obama. I raised my hand to the square and cast her out. There’s no place in the building for that kind of evil spirits. I’ve also got an appointment with the Stake President scheduled for Friday night to discuss why such people can hold recommends, but I didn’t go into that in my class. Not age appropriate, I think.

Anyway, once we got Satan’s Little Helper out of there, things went better. Elections are like the War in Heaven, because we have a clear-cut case of Good (GOP) vs Evil (LIE-berals) and we have to show who we support. Then there are a lot of campaign donations. Is it okay to donate tithing money to the GOP? Maybe, but only if the race is close. People out in the mission field might be able to do it, but those of us here in Zion should pay it to our bishops.

We finished up by coloring some pages with lots of angels and lots of devils fighting each other. I had to take the red crayons away, because Angels don’t have blood, only plasma. That’s why they are eternal. No red blood cells.

I wish I’d had time to go into spiritual triage, but the bell rang and I had to dismiss them with my blessing.


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