The Exodus, The Book of Exodus, and The Ten Commandments

2010/03/31

This past Sunday, I was asked to teach Gospel Doctrine again. Since the lesson was to cover The Book of Exodus, it was a snap. The movie “The Ten Commandments” was one of the nine movies I allow my children to watch on the weekends when I have custody.

So we covered how Moses was born, and the Israelites were just a huge force in Egypt. There were at least two million of them, about the same population as greater Salt Lake City. That’s a lot of people, so they had their wards established, and home teaching, and all the other stuff that goes with being a Zion people. The Egyptians were getting nervous about there being so many chosen people in their country. Some liberal in the class tried to say it was like how in the United States, some people are afraid of the illegal aliens and how they are getting out of control, and we think the only way we are going to get them under control is to deny them health care. Don’t you just hate it when liberals, communists, and other Satan worshippers get the same rights to speak as everyone else? I sure do. Bishop needs to do something about that.

Anyway, sweet Sister Jorgensen asked how Pharoh’s daughter knew how Moses was Hebrew and not Egyptian? Easy, I said. He had a fragment of Levite cloth in the basket with him. Seems somebody hasn’t been watching her DeMille. Another idiot claimed that Moses, as an Israelite and descendant of Abraham, would have been circumsized at 8 days old, so it would have been obvious as soon as they looked in his diaper. That was idiotic too. Egyptians circumsized their boys too, so there would have been no difference. Besides, if that had been the case, they would have put it in the movie and not the Levite cloth fragment. You’ve got to put those scriptures down sometimes, people, and get the Word of God as He intended. Besides, if the movie was wrong, would they have made Charlton Heston the president of the NRA? That’s like being the Prophet for Gentiles. Besides, Charlton Heston came to me in a dream shortly after he died, and told me that I needed to do his temple work for him. So I submitted it and did it, and that makes him a Latter-day Saint just like the rest of us.

He’s not the only person I’ve done temple ordinance for. I just refuse to do the work for Senator Kennedy. He keeps appearing to me in dreams and telling me he needs to have his work done too. Everybody knows that he sold his soul to Satan and doesn’t deserve it. Besides, supporting abortion legislation is just the same as reaching your unclean hands into the womb and ripping that child away yourself.

But back to the lesson. Wasn’t Yul Brynner just fantastic?

Gospel Doctrine Class – The Abrahamic Covenant

2010/02/28

I’d like to apologize for the controversy that erupted during Gospel Doctrine class today. For those who were sick among us and not able to attend, we pray that you’ll either be better or less offended next week, and that you’ll be up to joining us. I provide a recap of the lesson here.

Abraham took his son Issac to a distant mountain to sacrifice him. And an angel came down to stop him at the last second, presumably because Abraham had proven the point that he would do what the Lord told him to do. The first major eruption came when Sister Colby, our ward assistant canning specialist, asked the question “If Prozac or Zoloft had been available, do you think Abraham would have had such a prompting? By taking these medications, do we cut ourselves off from the kind of profound spiritual experiences and growth that Abraham had?”

Now, before we go any further, I’d like to state for the record that Brother Parks, even though he is a member of the bishopric, is a pharmacist and therefore may not have the most objective viewpoint when it comes to answering this sort of question. We all know how he feels about the subject, so I don’t need to rehash that out here. I will say that since he’s only in the Bishopric and the pharmacy manager at Costco, it doesn’t really follow that he can speak for the drug companies that want to continue to enslave us all. He has his masters. I stand by my statement that I’d hope Thomas S. Monson wouldn’t have to take any medication, and that if he does, it could (and I say COULD) mean that he’s being led astray. But, since the bishop told us to end this line of discussion after ten minutes, I’ll drop the matter here and allow any of you with a differing opinion to voice that in the comments.

The next line of discussion came when it was pointed out that the Jaredites left the Old World before the Abrahamic Covenant began. So, how could this group of people be taken to a chosen land if they weren’t even the chosen people? Quite a quandary, I tell you.

I don’t know how the discussion went from there to the seerstones that the Brother of Jared had created, and I don’t know where those seerstones are now. The speculation was raised as to whether it was possible that Elder Richard G. Scott, of the Quorum of the Twelve, knew anything about these seerstones and if there was any relation to him having worked for the U.S. Navy as a nuclear engineer and being a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, and if any of the nuclear fleet of ships and submarines proudly defending the United States of America were actually being powered by those seerstones that the Brother of Jared took to the mountaintop. Like I said in class, it’s just speculation, and while he probably wouldn’t teach that in General Conference (due to security issues), it’s probably a good topic of discussion for Family Home Evening.

Kind of makes you proud, though, thinking that the core of a nuclear submarine is actually a relic from the Jaredite civilization? Perhaps it’s time they commissioned a new sub called the U.S.S. Joseph Smith.

Again, my apologies to anyone who got their knickers in a twist and got offended at my comments. The guilty take the truth to be hard. Although causing Sister Johanson’s nosebleed was a bit out of line. We’ll be sure to keep her in our thoughts and prayers, and maybe the Priest’s Quorum should go back to taking the sacrament to the nursing home instead of bringing them to church with the rest of us. Just sayin’.

Elder’s Quorum – Our Chosen Leader

2010/02/15

Yesterday, I was asked to teach Elder’s Quorum. I can’t say that it was a last minute assignment, since I was called out of Gospel Doctrine class and asked if I could teach. Constant preparation is key, people. Read the manual, download the podcast, and be up to date on what Brother (Glenn) Beck has to say during the week.

So, we were all in the pre-existence and made a choice to follow the plan to come to earth, gain a body, and be tempted. An alternate plan was presented, an evil, malicious, liberal plan. Lucifer, the Father of All Liberals, presented a plan whereby we would come to earth, gain a body, and get the Results of Success without really working for it. You see, there’s a big difference between Success and the Results of Success. When one is Successful, they can enjoy the Results and be happy about it. If one is simply given the Results of Success without having to put in the time, talent, education, and hard work, then those results have been obtained fraudulently. Fraud. As in Welfare Fraud. And this is why liberalism is such a pernicious evil – it’s letting people enjoy the Results of Success without work, just like Satan wanted to do. And just like Satan wanting all the glory for his greedy self, we have Obama and his Hope and Change, but no Work and Effort.

Of course, this sparked a lively discussion. But, I think I did a good job managing to bring everything back together, and we ended a mere 20 minutes past time to leave. The Primary children and Relief Society sisters need to learn that you just can’t rush the Priesthood. And, since my ex-wife and eternal companion had the fruits of my loins this weekend, I didn’t have to worry about either getting upset.

About my testimony on Sunday

2010/02/10

I’d like to take this opportunity to clear up a few issues about the testimony I stood and bore in Church on Sunday.

1. I now realize that taking 45 minutes was probably too much. The Bishop has counseled me on this, the 1st counselor has met with me, the Relief Society presidency has met with me, the Elder’s Quorum presidency has threatened something called a “blanket, sock, and battery party”, and the Primary President has threatened to put me in the nursery if I ever do anything like that again. You may stop the phone calls and angry e-mails now. There is no need to call my boss at work and ask him to deal with this. I’ll be sending all my phone calls to voice mail for the time being, so if you want to tell me something NOT related to my testimony on Sunday, please identify that first in your phone or e-mail message.

2. I will do my best to refrain from calling my ex-wife, her attorney, the judge, and the judicial system of Utah County to repentance. I now know that this isn’t really my job to do.

3. I’d also like to apologize to young Kirby Stanger. It was rude of me to trip him on the way to the pulpit, but I was a man with a mission, and I didn’t want to have any “I’m thankful for Mommy and Daddy” to get in the way of how I felt and the fact that the Spirit was telling me to get up there promptly. I would apologize to young Kirby in person, but with the restraining order his parents have filed, this forum will have to do. Kirby, I’m sorry, and I hope the stitches from where your head hit the edge of the pew don’t leave too unsightly of a scar.

4. If you all can’t bear one another’s burdens like it says to do in Alma, then you all got no business calling yourselves Saints. I’m just saying.

5. Super Bowl Sunday is still a painful holiday for me, since it *is* the anniversary of when my wife and best friend and eternal companion kicked me out of the house. I realize I covered this in depth during my testimony, but it’s still a serious thorn in my side and cross I have to bear. I still say it was my right as patriarch of the family and Priesthood holder in the home to change the name of my own baby girl as I saw fit.

Teaching the Four Year Olds

2010/01/27

On Sunday morning, I got a call from Sister Elmo to ask if I could take over her CTR-4 class. Not a problem. It’s not ever a problem. I asked her what the lesson was supposed to be on, and she offered to drop the manual off at my house, but that I’d need to use plenty of Purell after I handled it, so I told her I’d be fine without it.

Sister Elmo (bless her bacteria-infested soul) let me know that the little heavenions were going to be learning about The War in Heaven. I first thought that I should just show that Emmy-award winning episode of South Park, but I got in a lot of trouble the last time I did that.

The War in Heaven didn’t include any guns, tanks, mortars, grenades, or Elven Archers. Doesn’t sound like much of a war now, does it? No, this was a war without any casualties, unless you count those poor souls who suffered eternal spiritual death. Lucifer wanted to make everybody follow the rules. Who else wants to make everybody follow the rules, all the time? No, not BYU. They want to make everybody want to follow the rules. Obama wants to make everybody follow the rules. If you don’t buy his health care insurance, you go to jail.

One of the kids spoke up and tried to tell me that her parents voted for Obama. I raised my hand to the square and cast her out. There’s no place in the building for that kind of evil spirits. I’ve also got an appointment with the Stake President scheduled for Friday night to discuss why such people can hold recommends, but I didn’t go into that in my class. Not age appropriate, I think.

Anyway, once we got Satan’s Little Helper out of there, things went better. Elections are like the War in Heaven, because we have a clear-cut case of Good (GOP) vs Evil (LIE-berals) and we have to show who we support. Then there are a lot of campaign donations. Is it okay to donate tithing money to the GOP? Maybe, but only if the race is close. People out in the mission field might be able to do it, but those of us here in Zion should pay it to our bishops.

We finished up by coloring some pages with lots of angels and lots of devils fighting each other. I had to take the red crayons away, because Angels don’t have blood, only plasma. That’s why they are eternal. No red blood cells.

I wish I’d had time to go into spiritual triage, but the bell rang and I had to dismiss them with my blessing.

Hi There!

2010/01/26

Please allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Floyd Remora. Brother Floyd Remora. I’m in the Orem UT 343rd Ward. I get called upon to substitute teach in the ward a lot. Everything from Nursery and Primary, to Young Men/Young Women, Sunday School, Relief Society, Elder’s Quorum and the High Priests. Sometimes I get two or three weeks notice, and sometimes I get asked to do the lesson right after the opening announcements. Either way is fine with me. If you study the lesson manuals and your scriptures every day during the week, you will always be ready to share the Word of God through the Spirit. But, if I have two or three weeks notice, I can buy doughnuts on Saturday evening.

I’ve often thought that there should be a resource just like this one so we can all shared ideas about how to fill in when the called and set apart instructor is sick, missing, in jail, or watching football. (Don’t know why anyone would ever need to watch football on Sunday, since BYU never plays on Sunday, and Steve Young is retired now anyway.)


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